If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible.
My name is Allie and I have been alive for 22 years.
I am hypocritical and contradict myself a lot.
I dream of the future while wishing for the past.
I mostly reside in Massachusetts or Vermont, but also sometimes Maine.
Nothing in life is going the way I want it to at all. I don’t know why its all just been hitting me in the past 24 hours but this has all been building up for a while. Maybe if I had woken up in your bed like I wanted to I wouldn’t be thinking about this right now but I woke up alone and it hurts. If this were a year from now I would have woken up somewhere in the middle of the country probably or at least that’s always been my plan but what if I end up stuck? I need someone really bad right now but after years of just thinking things were bad when they really weren’t I don’t even know what to do now that they really are. Its 7:20am. I woke up almost an hour ago and despite the fact that I’m pretty sure that I’m still partially drunk and also hungover, I can’t get any of these thoughts out of my head. I mean, it all will get better eventually and I know this. What I’m scared about is how bad its gonna get before it finally gets better.
Fuuuck I need a benadryl. Also I should probably stop stealing bites of ice cream. Also my mom can’t keep our birds and I’m really sad. How the hell have I been staying optimistic? By pretending none of this is happening. Its not working that well.
I went home for fathers day and I keep just pretending that everything is normal but its hard work to just pretend and be optimistic all the time I really need to shower so I can leave and smoke a bowl and drive around for a bit if I’m getting too anxious for this right now.
Been awake for the past hour and a half because I recently developed a new allergy and I haven’t figured out what it is yet but apparently I ate it today. Dammit. Hopefully the benedryl kicks in soon. In the meantime I’ll smoke a bowl I guess.
Why must everything be shitty and confusing?
I refuse to allow you to be the one to make the decision to stop talking to me.
That’s my decision. And I know you still care or else this wouldn’t be making uou unhappy as you put it.
Guys are stupid. Fuck it, maybe I should find myself a girl.
Went through all of orientation at Ben & Jerry’s this week and had my first day of training last night.
It’s kind of like a cult, but an awesome one.
I’m kind of pissed I don’t get any tips though because they donate them to charities.
And I’m not getting many hours to start which is awful.
And I have to work with a bunch of highschoolers which also is less than appealing to me.
But there’s lots of room for advancement and it should be a lot of fun and most importantly I get 3 free pints of ice cream every time I work.
Last night I brought home Creme Brulee, Strawberry Shortcake Greek FroYo, and Banana Peanut Butter Greek FroYo.
Since I need more money though I’m working the Econo today and tomorrow but maybe after that I’ll be done forever so yay?
Tomorrow is gonna be awful though cause I’m doing training and B&Js 8-2 and then working the Econo 3-11.
But I have something to look forward to on Monday which I shall not discuss on here. (:
So I just got told over the phone that I’m just a stupid secretary and that the only reason I have this job was that I was too stupid to go to college and that I’m going nowhere in life. He was angry because the Econo Lodge’s website says our rates for tonight are much cheaper than they actually are and when he started bitching to me about how that’s false advertising and I should charge him $45.99 for the night (which is over $100 cheaper) I told him that I didn’t have any control over what was posted on the site.
When I responded that I was actually currently in college he still continued to go on about how stupid I was so I told him that I hope he has a good night and hung up on him.
He sounded like a drunk. I had to hang up before I told him off which would be unprofessional. I lied, I hope he has an awful night because I’ve never had to endure being called stupid so many times before.
my life is a big mess of confusion.
comparing how I felt about everything a week ago to how I feel about everything now is ridiculous.
but it’s just so hard for me to let go and forget about the past.
I don’t wanna make the wrong decision.
for the first time since I can even remember last I have someone that wants nothing more than to make me happy and that really likes me for exactly who I am.
when I ask him if he wants to do something, instead of getting a response like “Idk maybe” he says “Absolutely! I would love that.”
it feels really nice.
in other news, I went to work today and acquired an adorable kitten because they found a bunch of strays and are just bringing them to a shelter so I got offered one.
of course I said yes.
this is the third time in my life that I’ve randomly acquired a kitten.
my name is Allie and I have a spending problem.
I saw Entourage Season 1 for $17.99 today and it was too good a deal to pass up.
it was nice walking around btown with the girlies before work though.
since I haven’t been waking up at 4 or 5 am to hangout with people I’ve been actually fitting in good social activity before work and therefore have actually been able to experience some sunlight.
also I finally fit one of my 1/2 inch gauges into my right ear so I’m pretty pleased.
hopefully this day of work passes by fairly quickly.